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The Four Horsemen in Gottman Therapy: Understanding Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
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In Gottman therapy, the term “Four Horsemen” refers to four negative communication patterns that can severely damage a relationship if left unchecked. These patterns are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. By identifying and addressing these behaviors, couples can improve their communication and strengthen their bond.
1. Criticism: Criticism involves attacking the character or personality of your partner rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. It often includes generalizations and sweeping statements. For example, saying “You never listen to me” instead of expressing a specific concern. Criticism can lead to defensiveness and escalate conflicts.
2. Contempt: Contempt is a toxic mix of anger and disgust towards your partner. It involves insults, sarcasm, mockery, and hostile body language. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disrespect, damaging the emotional connection between partners. For instance, rolling your eyes or calling your partner names.
3. Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflicts further. Instead of taking responsibility or considering your partner’s perspective, defensiveness involves making excuses, denying responsibility, or counter-attacking. For example, responding to a complaint with “It’s not my fault, it’s yours.”
4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down emotionally and refusing to engage. It often happens as a result of feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions. Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling unheard and ignored, further damaging the relationship.
Real-life examples of the Four Horsemen can help illustrate their impact. For instance, imagine a couple discussing finances. Instead of addressing the issue directly, one partner criticizes the other’s spending habits, leading to defensiveness. This escalates into contemptuous remarks and eventually stonewalling, with one partner completely shutting down and refusing to continue the conversation.
By recognizing these destructive patterns and replacing them with healthier communication habits, couples can work towards resolving conflicts in a more constructive and loving manner. Gottman therapy focuses on helping couples understand and address the Four Horsemen, leading to improved communication and a stronger relationship.
The above article is very informative for me as I wasn’t aware about the 4 Horsemen and different types of couples
Learning the best from “THE BEST” 🙂
this article give me so much learning and elaborated all the aspect perfectly. first time i meet this horsemen theory first time
this article give me so much learning and elaborated all the aspect perfectly.
Thanks for insightful article sir.
It is really a good topic sir
Discord between couples owing to the factors mentioned in this article are so very common. Until and unless both partners lay down their apprehensions and pre-conceived notions about each other and look forward to resolving the issue and not playing the blame game by harnessing their horses and employing the above four horsemen, resolution of the discord cannot happen. Only when one understands that we are all human and believe “to err is human” and in case of a disagreement owing to any reason, rather than criticize, be contemptuous, get into a defensive mode and stonewall, if they apply the Gottman therapy and inculcate traits of being gentle, appreciative, taking responsibility and engage in self-soothing, relationships can be salvaged.
This therapy can be so helpful for every couple.
This is so relatable. I’m curious to learn more about this topic..